Imposter – part 1

Have you ever looked at someone else’s family and thought wow they are so beautiful? Just the way they seem to work together, be together and just love each other. If you missed out on that with your own family then you’d know it felt for me seeing a beautiful family. JEALOUS yet the sad kind, the feeling you get when you feel tears come from your own heart. The worst part is the flashbacks from growing up as the imposter, the one who didn’t fit in. The one who felt left out of all three families. Mums side, dads side and the step dads side.

I can see where my partners beautiful nature comes from, and standing back and watching him be with his family makes me smile, makes my heart melt. It’s wonderful, they don’t judge you on your appearance or the choices you make, they still laugh with you, comfort you and support you. I see where my partner got those traits from.

Personally I am scared of the unknown, I’m not use to this. For me growing up and now I feel that I missed out on what my partner has. As I watch what he has and think about what I’m use to I realize that hiding in a bedroom, crying and writing about it isn’t going to solve anything. Maybe, should tell him why I get so overwhelmed and have to be alone. In which I’m use to doing things on my own & this beautiful family do it together. I’m still learning as a adult.

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Hoping I can have more than one new years resolution…. Oh well

Day 8 of 2021 and I’m just starting to set goals for the year, I really wanted to write them down but I’ve chosen to blog them. DAY EIGHT and I’m just sorting out my new years resolution, possibly a bit late and do people usually share them with others?

Here is a quick image of my new years outfit. I do love alternative fashion. That night I drunk alcohol and I’m deciding that it will be my last time I do.

New Years Resolution One.

I have decided to go completely sober. I’m doing this for my health, I was never a huge alcohol drinker however since moving out of home I drank a little more than normal. Since being sick in hospital with pancreaitis and gallstones I have decided to cease alcohol. It’s going to be hard as I recently started to drink for the reason of me being sad but I know I am better than that. As a recovering drug addict who is 9 months and 23 days clean I somehow managed to believe alcohol was going to make me happy, instead it was one of many reasons of ended up in hospital, so that’s why I’ve decided to accept this challenge. If I have to go back to my support groups I will.

New Years Resolution Two

Start trauma counselling. Uhm yeah that’s going to be super hard and very emotional.

New Years Resolution Three

Start getting up every morning in my days off work and start walking. Ever since being in hospital I have come to terms on how good walking is good for me and I need to stop being lazy

I will make sure I keep up with my blogging, which may end up being journal entries, hope you don’t mind. Might gain a little insp for yourselves.

Adapt

How do you cope with change? Does the word make you cringe? We go through change from the day we were born, however it’s not easy for some of us. We cant avoid it, if the change is made to be positive and exciting, you may find yourself curious yet your nerves or anxiety may be triggered.

During this time of age it’s okay to feel the way you are feeling, do the best you can do to adapt to the change. For me, I’ve recently moved away from home and wow my anxiety is high. So I’m learning to adapt.

Right now I am having some down time, tears and relaxing music, I’ll have a cup of tear. I’ve put unpacking to the side for a while because I need a break. Taking a step back, to breathe or meditate when anxiety us high is recommended.

Other ideas to adjust/adapt…

Create a safe place in your home where you can relax and take a break. Write your thoughts down or start a blog. Have a shower or bath. Warm drinks help me. Paint or draw. Put in relaxing music. Create some form of routine. Read. Have time to your self. Be with nature. Cuddle someone you love.

Take a step back and observe the situation. Think of strategies to handle that is positive. Remind yourself that you need to accept the things you can not change, but you can adapt.

Effort

We talk about how there are two sides to every storey or maybe more. We talk about effort and trying, we talk about promises being kept and being broken. We talk about effort like it’s a bad thing.. “that’s too much effort!”

However effort can be positive, I prefer it being positive. I believe effort holds relationships in place, I believe effort helps us reach other goals and I believe effort keeps a family together.

Tug of war vs realisation

I don’t like change but I don’t like events in my life that I can not change. I need to keep reminding myself that there will be things in my life that I cannot change and yes it may set me back or put a hold on things, but just as proven previously I can get through it, whatever it is.
Today I said out loud, “I need to accept the things I cannot change. I need the courage to change the things I Can to help me through the things I cannot change…”