Imposter – part 1

Have you ever looked at someone else’s family and thought wow they are so beautiful? Just the way they seem to work together, be together and just love each other. If you missed out on that with your own family then you’d know it felt for me seeing a beautiful family. JEALOUS yet the sad kind, the feeling you get when you feel tears come from your own heart. The worst part is the flashbacks from growing up as the imposter, the one who didn’t fit in. The one who felt left out of all three families. Mums side, dads side and the step dads side.

I can see where my partners beautiful nature comes from, and standing back and watching him be with his family makes me smile, makes my heart melt. It’s wonderful, they don’t judge you on your appearance or the choices you make, they still laugh with you, comfort you and support you. I see where my partner got those traits from.

Personally I am scared of the unknown, I’m not use to this. For me growing up and now I feel that I missed out on what my partner has. As I watch what he has and think about what I’m use to I realize that hiding in a bedroom, crying and writing about it isn’t going to solve anything. Maybe, should tell him why I get so overwhelmed and have to be alone. In which I’m use to doing things on my own & this beautiful family do it together. I’m still learning as a adult.

Advertisement

Effort

We talk about how there are two sides to every storey or maybe more. We talk about effort and trying, we talk about promises being kept and being broken. We talk about effort like it’s a bad thing.. “that’s too much effort!”

However effort can be positive, I prefer it being positive. I believe effort holds relationships in place, I believe effort helps us reach other goals and I believe effort keeps a family together.

Butterflies and Birds

Hey everyone welcome back to my blog! Due to currents restrictions and rules in Australia I have not been able to travel with my fellow bloggers and friends to capture the world around us. I have decided to use my isolation time to capture images from Home.

Above images are of some of the times of butterflies we have had visit us over the past couple of days.

Meet Sunkiss (Lorikeet) and chloe (indian ringneck ) even pets can becomes the perfect models.

Grandmas Ghost?

I am starting to think my blog is based on my grandma, I wrote when she was alive and I was watching her in her last part of life, however I am now experiencing visits from her. I am the only one she is showing herself to, why me I ask, but at the same time it is giving me closure. To my knowledge I am aware that Pa has kept her ashes in his room , yet she is still showing herself to me. The afternoon of the 16th of September, I had a feeling it was going to be her last, but I hoped not, I took her Ashton-Drake Doll to her when she was in hospice, as asked the Doll to collect her spirit so I can bring her home. The next morning at 7:00am Grandma got her angel wings & for the past couple of Months I have been lucky enough to get visits from Grandma. That week of grandmas passing, I was walking down the hallway and I could smell her perfume, I had not had any messages from her for a few months until Feb-March this year

Kitchen Fridge
The first time was at night and I was going to the toilet, I heard a beeping coming from the kitchen, It was always normal for grandma and I to be getting out of bed at the same time, usually it was her checking on me to see what I was doing or If I was okay, – So I went to the kitchen and the fridge door was open , I closed it and worked out the problem, as I as walking out of the kitchen there was something there, something stripy, I ran through it to my room…

My Room

A few nights later I was asleep in my room, I could feel something next to my room, I woke up to see a dark shadow next to my bed, I spent the rest of my night not in my room. It took me awhile to sleep back in my room after that,

Dinner a week later

Pa, Uncle and I had just finished eating dinner, my uncle was down stairs putting a load of washing on, I was still eating and Pa was doing the dishes, the door bell went off. I swear pa had gotten rid of the door bell. I walked out the front to look,, and he pointed to the bell button, he said I had been waiting for someone to ring it, ( The bell button was given to grandma when she was very sick at home, we gave it to her to press when she needed something).

Nighty

It had been awhile since I had a visit after that, Pa put a cover over the button, not sure why, I had found out recently we still had her ashes. At the start of March till a week ago Pa had one of grandmas nighties on his chair, I didn’t realise he had taken it down but two night after he had put in back in the door, Grandma showed her full self to me wearing the exact nights in the same spot where I had seen the stripy figure at the start. Once again I was walking to the toilet and I can remember seeing her standing there. It was comforting and closure for me, I guess I am getting use to seeing her.

The knock

Last Saturday, Pa and Uncle went out for a bit and I stayed at home, I was in my room with the door closed and usually I don’t hear much, but clearly I heard someone knock on the screen door, I went out there are no one was there, So I spoke – ” Hey Grandma, if you are knocking on the door its not funny, and If you want my attention please visit me at night so I can see you…”

26-3-20

It was going to be my first night sleeping in the dark in a while, I turned everything off , and went to bed at ten pm, I then woke half an hour later to the outline of a figure next to my bed with short hair staring at my bedroom door, I whispered Grandma, It then went in to floating particles and moved its way to my cupboard…. (I guess I did ask her to show herself at night again).

I do find seeing grandma is closure for me and scary at the same time. I am thinking about seeing someone who can talk to spirits, cause I’m curious to know more about her appearance.

Grandma

Im sure im not the only one who agrees Grandma was a person with lots if inner strength, if times were tough she would continue to thrive. Grandma was my umbrella when I was down or needed shelter. Grandma would invite ne to sleep in her bed with her if I had a nightmare, everytime after we woke she would remind how much of a pain I was to share a bed with.

I remember when she got a tablet and i linked her up to our wireless, she got pokies and bingo apps, but i swear her favourite was words with friends, because if I hadnt sent her a word back she would yell out from her room, Alex you havent sent me a word yet. Sometimes we would have about seven games going just so she had her words.

Grandma also took part in playing boardgames with my best friends Amie, Louie and Maddy. Greed and Skipbo, she would get go excited and if we took to slow to have our turn she would tell us to hurry up. Grandma was grandma to my friends , asking if they have a job yet or offering to make toasties, and if they needed a place to stay she was there for them too.

Grandma made the best cornflake coooKies, ginger cake, yorkshire pudding, apple pie, triffle, cold milo, Sandwiches and lots more.

Im a bit more at peace now since grandma got her Angel wins, i still feel She is present. This weekend we will be scattering her ashes.

Cancer

No body likes death, once your gone you are gone. Once someone you love becomes sick, its like a waiting game, a painful waiting game. When cancer kicks in , dying becomes scary… it keeps spreading likes vines, spreading and griping onto anything it can.

My grandma has cancer, shes in the last stage of cancer. I go sit with her in Hospital. She lays there, has a bit of a chat and closes her eyes. Shes tired. I have known grandma to be motivted .. But she is weak. Its sad really, but after a few weeks of struggling to accept, I Finally can.

Practicing Mindfullness to cope, accept.

I picture myself on the cliff , looking down, I can see my family there, mum is trying to keep busy just like her father, my uncle looks like he is chattering away, my cousins face looks blotchy, my other uncle has his head lowered and his is frowing. I stand there a watch my family go through what i am going through, we all cope differently. I am not enjoying the height of watching, I wish I could be there and help but so many people and so many noises get to me. So I get them and have to get me too.