Over thinking

I just want to get a pen and paper and write… I mean who really wants to hear my random racing thoughts? Most of the time I don’t even want to think about the thoughts cause there is no importance behind it. I mean yes I am easily amused, I like to analyse and problems solve and I like to find a way to make a negative situation positive. But being an over thinker can be extremely tiring for me, I find it hard work. I also find it comes in handy especially working in an industry where attention to detail is highly important.

I have realized that when my brain is trying to process alot, I struggle to find something to blog about. So many things inspire me, I don’t just have one Hobbie, I have many, I just don’t have a few ideas, I have heaps and trying to mold it all into one is was I aim to do on here. As I find having this blog actually helps me with over thinking and expressing.

Re Wiring the Brain

I’m no mental health genius but I do have experience, which I enjoy sharing with my followers, friends & family, hoping to enlighten them. I did overall 18months of Dialectical Behavior Therapy(DBT) & that I do recommend!

Majority of the time we view over thinking as some what negative, but imagine if you had the ability to re wire your brain into making the situation positive, or just looking at it positively. PROBLEM SOLVING. Belive me when I say this skill does not happen over night and can enable one to become physically and mentally exhausted, however it has worked for me.

What if?

If you managed to get to the bottom of this post and you have questions feel free to ask, I’ll answer the best I can.

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Think about it

Are you stressed, overwhelmed or is it anxiety? What is your current situation that may have brought these feelings on? How can you respond positively to reduce “explosion” (making things worse)

Personal

So I suffer from a personality disorder, and I’ve started a new job which can be quite stressful. I was overwhelmed and my eyes were watering but I kept breathing, when I’m overwhelmed anxiety hangs around and I had to ask for help and that is okay. Remind yourself asking for help does not mean you can’t do your job. It does not mean you are weak, we are not perfect. Usually I would avoid work for a few days after a stressful situation but not this time, Im going back tomorrow because I like to remind myself that tomorrow is a different day.

Remind

Breathe, take a step back and evaluate the situation, the chain of events, put in place strategies that have previously worked or something you’d like to try that may help you, accept you are doing the best you can, there will be support around you just ask, praise yourself about what you have achieved to get through this.

Effort

We talk about how there are two sides to every storey or maybe more. We talk about effort and trying, we talk about promises being kept and being broken. We talk about effort like it’s a bad thing.. “that’s too much effort!”

However effort can be positive, I prefer it being positive. I believe effort holds relationships in place, I believe effort helps us reach other goals and I believe effort keeps a family together.

Eventful Monday

Hey everyone, I haven’t posted in a few days but hope you are all doing well. Yesterday morning was quite eventful for me after one of my birds got out.

Image of Chloe in one of the trees.

My Indian ringneck who I adopted two years ago got out. Took me two hours to get her pack, but she didn’t stop calling out to me one letting me know where she was.

I got her back and she just wanted my company.

It makes your heart beat when an animal is let loose. She’s been to the vet for check ups and wing trim because I just can’t bare to go through this again.

Big sleeps after a big fly

Butterflies and Birds

Hey everyone welcome back to my blog! Due to currents restrictions and rules in Australia I have not been able to travel with my fellow bloggers and friends to capture the world around us. I have decided to use my isolation time to capture images from Home.

Above images are of some of the times of butterflies we have had visit us over the past couple of days.

Meet Sunkiss (Lorikeet) and chloe (indian ringneck ) even pets can becomes the perfect models.

Grandmas Ghost?

I am starting to think my blog is based on my grandma, I wrote when she was alive and I was watching her in her last part of life, however I am now experiencing visits from her. I am the only one she is showing herself to, why me I ask, but at the same time it is giving me closure. To my knowledge I am aware that Pa has kept her ashes in his room , yet she is still showing herself to me. The afternoon of the 16th of September, I had a feeling it was going to be her last, but I hoped not, I took her Ashton-Drake Doll to her when she was in hospice, as asked the Doll to collect her spirit so I can bring her home. The next morning at 7:00am Grandma got her angel wings & for the past couple of Months I have been lucky enough to get visits from Grandma. That week of grandmas passing, I was walking down the hallway and I could smell her perfume, I had not had any messages from her for a few months until Feb-March this year

Kitchen Fridge
The first time was at night and I was going to the toilet, I heard a beeping coming from the kitchen, It was always normal for grandma and I to be getting out of bed at the same time, usually it was her checking on me to see what I was doing or If I was okay, – So I went to the kitchen and the fridge door was open , I closed it and worked out the problem, as I as walking out of the kitchen there was something there, something stripy, I ran through it to my room…

My Room

A few nights later I was asleep in my room, I could feel something next to my room, I woke up to see a dark shadow next to my bed, I spent the rest of my night not in my room. It took me awhile to sleep back in my room after that,

Dinner a week later

Pa, Uncle and I had just finished eating dinner, my uncle was down stairs putting a load of washing on, I was still eating and Pa was doing the dishes, the door bell went off. I swear pa had gotten rid of the door bell. I walked out the front to look,, and he pointed to the bell button, he said I had been waiting for someone to ring it, ( The bell button was given to grandma when she was very sick at home, we gave it to her to press when she needed something).

Nighty

It had been awhile since I had a visit after that, Pa put a cover over the button, not sure why, I had found out recently we still had her ashes. At the start of March till a week ago Pa had one of grandmas nighties on his chair, I didn’t realise he had taken it down but two night after he had put in back in the door, Grandma showed her full self to me wearing the exact nights in the same spot where I had seen the stripy figure at the start. Once again I was walking to the toilet and I can remember seeing her standing there. It was comforting and closure for me, I guess I am getting use to seeing her.

The knock

Last Saturday, Pa and Uncle went out for a bit and I stayed at home, I was in my room with the door closed and usually I don’t hear much, but clearly I heard someone knock on the screen door, I went out there are no one was there, So I spoke – ” Hey Grandma, if you are knocking on the door its not funny, and If you want my attention please visit me at night so I can see you…”

26-3-20

It was going to be my first night sleeping in the dark in a while, I turned everything off , and went to bed at ten pm, I then woke half an hour later to the outline of a figure next to my bed with short hair staring at my bedroom door, I whispered Grandma, It then went in to floating particles and moved its way to my cupboard…. (I guess I did ask her to show herself at night again).

I do find seeing grandma is closure for me and scary at the same time. I am thinking about seeing someone who can talk to spirits, cause I’m curious to know more about her appearance.

Grandma

Im sure im not the only one who agrees Grandma was a person with lots if inner strength, if times were tough she would continue to thrive. Grandma was my umbrella when I was down or needed shelter. Grandma would invite ne to sleep in her bed with her if I had a nightmare, everytime after we woke she would remind how much of a pain I was to share a bed with.

I remember when she got a tablet and i linked her up to our wireless, she got pokies and bingo apps, but i swear her favourite was words with friends, because if I hadnt sent her a word back she would yell out from her room, Alex you havent sent me a word yet. Sometimes we would have about seven games going just so she had her words.

Grandma also took part in playing boardgames with my best friends Amie, Louie and Maddy. Greed and Skipbo, she would get go excited and if we took to slow to have our turn she would tell us to hurry up. Grandma was grandma to my friends , asking if they have a job yet or offering to make toasties, and if they needed a place to stay she was there for them too.

Grandma made the best cornflake coooKies, ginger cake, yorkshire pudding, apple pie, triffle, cold milo, Sandwiches and lots more.

Im a bit more at peace now since grandma got her Angel wins, i still feel She is present. This weekend we will be scattering her ashes.

Cancer – part 2

Do i write, ponder or stare ? Where is lah lah land and whats in it… When people talk about it, its seems pleasent and peaceful.

She looks just over my shoulder , nothing is there, she tells me nothing is there. Bones, her bones are hard, her skin is like a thin top blanket, i get why she wears a few of them to keep warm. She ask why dont i take my coat off, i tell her i can feel the coldness in the air too

Have you ever watched someones face blotch up and the bottom part of the eye become watery just before they cry… I did for five seconds then my eyes wondered out the window.

Saying no

Shes weak, she cant walk but she wanted to go to the toilet and she asked me to take the blankets off her feet and move them to the edge of the bed. I cant help her up , she has a catheder attached for her unwanted fluids to go in. She just looks so sad, she was just so determined to get to the toilet and i had to say no.

Sadness

I sit and cry, my nose cries too. That bottle of wine i have a home is starting to look tasty. Look at grandma, one of the most healthiest woman i ever knew is lying in bed looking down and hopeless. Even i feel hopeless.

Cancer

No body likes death, once your gone you are gone. Once someone you love becomes sick, its like a waiting game, a painful waiting game. When cancer kicks in , dying becomes scary… it keeps spreading likes vines, spreading and griping onto anything it can.

My grandma has cancer, shes in the last stage of cancer. I go sit with her in Hospital. She lays there, has a bit of a chat and closes her eyes. Shes tired. I have known grandma to be motivted .. But she is weak. Its sad really, but after a few weeks of struggling to accept, I Finally can.

Practicing Mindfullness to cope, accept.

I picture myself on the cliff , looking down, I can see my family there, mum is trying to keep busy just like her father, my uncle looks like he is chattering away, my cousins face looks blotchy, my other uncle has his head lowered and his is frowing. I stand there a watch my family go through what i am going through, we all cope differently. I am not enjoying the height of watching, I wish I could be there and help but so many people and so many noises get to me. So I get them and have to get me too.

RTN

Did you know we have about 70,000 thoughts a day? Because i didnt until my mum told me. This blog post doesnt have a specific topic but can I gloat about how proud I am of me, cause its too late to ring mum.

I have joined the Reclaim the night committe board and Im proud. Its something my mum and I share a passion for. Plus mum took me to RTN protests when i was in primary school, 15 years ago.

What is RTN?

RTN, Reclaim The Night start in Belgium, Germany. There was a conference held in 1976 both men and woman. At the conference mainly men were speaking disrespectfully of woman and the woman heard leading them to march the streets of belgium, which became world wide.

October is Sexual violance awareness month, the theme is we believe you. We believe victims of rape and sexual violance.

Im in Australia. Im on the RTN committee to let woman know I believe them, I will walk with them to end violance against woman and their children, I am also a victim, they are not alone.