Everything scares me,
My future scares me,
Bringing a child into this world scares me, not knowing how I’d survive being a mum and raising a child.
The next day scares me ,
What will trigger me tomorrow , I’m still learning how to adapt
The dreams I may dream tonight scare me, what If they arnt a dream and they are a memory.
Getting old scares me cause the people I love keep dying as I get older,
I’m don’t want to re live what I have already lived.
I have always said I didn’t want things in life cause I’m scared of the unknown.
It’s peaceful, I feel at peace with being in hospital. I’ve developed a routine to help with my mental health. I get up and do a few laps of the ward, read the information on the wall. Look at the nurses/doctor pet wall everytime and smile. For the love of animals it’s my favourite wall.
I’m in the green ward my grandmothers, my partners and mums favourite colour, also the colour of nature. No ones asked me questions or given me topic to write about but I’m starting to feel a sense of brain power again. I’m very lucky to be getting better and to be classed as Independent here. I feel sorry for the elderly who can’t get up to go to the toilet, brings back memeries of when grandma was sick. I honestly have no idea how she was able to still hold on to her inner strength, but she’s taught me something and so has my grandfather.
Pa taught me, “if you don’t need strong pain killers, then you don’t need strong pain killers. Get use to the random aches if you are able to manage…” sometimes as much as the elderly ways annoyed me I believe they have helped me to survive this sickness.
You are all probably wondering what sickness I am on about..
I’m 28, I have acute pancreaitis and a few gallstones. I’ll be going into surgery to have my gallbladder removed.
The nurses here are great and I do let them know I suffer severe anxiety so bare with me…